What A Difference A Father Makes: Sirius Black and the Facts of Life
by TheUnrealInsomniac
Summary: Never promise Sirius Black he can answer your son's questions about babies. Just don't.


**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling. I'm just amusing myself and hopefully you as well.**

**Dedication: **For Eltanin Rose, my girlfriend and my muse. Thank you for being you love.

**What a Difference a Father Makes: Sirius Black and the Facts of Life**

James smiled when he heard Harry's light footfalls as he came down the hallway and stopped in the study doorway. Harry frowned when he saw James was working and it was all James could do not to laugh. The kid must have been hoping not to interrupt him in the middle of something. He didn't seem to quite get that James would much prefer to answer Harry's endless questions than fill out case-files for hours.

'Come on little man,' James said as he scratched a quill across a piece of parchment, his glasses perched strategically and with a little smile. 'What's on your mind?'

Harry blushed. 'You're busy …'

Well that was the last straw, now he had to know. Harry never blushed. Even when he'd bumped into what the adults had taken to calling one of Sirius' conquests. James worried about Harry overhearing them saying anything else. Like fuck-buddies, the kid was too inquisitive and he didn't want to explain fuck-buddies to his eight year old son. It was a creepy thought.

James set down his quill and righted himself so he was facing Harry with a big open smile. 'Ask away Harry.'

'Well I was just wondering,' Harry started. He leant against the doorframe. 'Where do babies come from?'

James froze in his chair. Oh fuck.

He seriously hoped Sirius hadn't heard that.

As if thinking about the man set off an alarm in his damn brain there was a thump from the floor above, and before James could say anything to Harry, Sirius had launched himself through the doorway and was panting as he doubled over.

'Did the pup ask …?' He gasped, recapturing his breath the best he could.

James groaned and rested back in his chair. Why did he ever agree to this? Lily would kill him if she were here.

Harry frowned again and tilted his head at James like he always did when he was confused. 'Why are you here Uncle Sirius?' Harry wasn't shocked by Sirius' madness anymore, he didn't even flinch when the supposed adult rushed past him.

'Prongs,' Sirius said, his breathing back under control as he grabbed James' shoulders. He scanned James eyes and grinned wildly when he found some kind of recognition. 'He finally asked you, didn't he?'

Fuck.

'Asked Dad what?' Harry's voice piped up from behind Sirius. 'Where babies come from?'

Double fuck.

Sirius cheered and scooped Harry up in a bear hug and danced around the room whooping with joy.

'Put me down Uncle Sirius!' Harry shouted.

Sirius did but he kept his hands on the boy's shoulders. He beamed down at Harry who was now looking up into his grey eyes. 'Sorry Harry, I'm just excited because you and me are gonna take a little trip I've wanted to take for a while now.'

'Sirius I don't know about this …' James started.

'James you promised.' Sirius pouted and crouched down next to Harry and took his chin in one hand. 'Look at this face. You don't wanna disappoint the boy do you? You wanna know where babies come from right Harry?'

Harry pushed Sirius' hand away and glared at the man. He was about to say something but he peered at James carefully first and simply nodded.

'I don't know why you have to leave the house though,' James said. There was no point arguing now Harry had sided with Sirius. The kid only took someone other than James' side when he really wanted something and James had said no.

Harry had always known how to play the game. He couldn't not with Sirius and Tonks as inspiration. James had never wished Harry was less bright but sometimes having a clever kid was a right pain in the arse.

Sirius gave him a dismissive wave as he led Harry out of the room. 'We're just gonna go consult some experts on where babies come from James, it'll be fine. Come on Harry, let's get your coat, we're gonna get some answers.'

'Really? Cool!' Harry smiled and waved at James from over his shoulder. 'Bye Dad!'

James waved back and waited until he was alone in the room again before slumping down on his desk.

He wasn't sure why but he had such a bad feeling about Sirius giving his son 'The Talk'. Maybe the Healers he went to would do most of the talking?

Sirius had said experts after all.

* * *

Harry shuddered as he came out of the other end of Uncle Sirius' Side-Along Apparition. He hated that spell. It made him feel like he was toothpaste being pushed up an almost empty tube.

'You're gonna have to get used to that spell eventually Harry, especially if you wanna be an Auror like your dad right?' Sirius said as he led Harry towards an abandoned looking building.

It was spooky and getting spookier as the shadows of night enveloped the structure. Sirius gave him a little shove as Harry stopped in place briefly. He didn't stop again until they got to the broken down wooden door. It was only just hanging on its hinges!

Why had Uncle Sirius brought him here? Where were his experts? Merlin, he'd only wanted to know where babies come from.

Uncle Sirius chuckled at his obvious concern which made Harry blush before he straightened up. His dad wouldn't be scared of some stupid building so neither would he.

'Okay kiddo, let's go inside and get you all the answers you could possibly want.' Sirius pulled out his wand and tapped it against the rotted wood. 'Doxy Closet.'

Two panels of the wood split open and started to spread until there was a gap in the door large enough for Sirius to walk through without ducking. Sirius giggled as he went under the beams and tapped a finger against where the two panels of wood were connected.

They walked down a luxuriously decorated corridor as the wood closed back up. The walls were painted a warm red that made Harry think of the hearts on the Valentine's cards he brought for Daphne with a golden bannister on each side.

The carpet was a deep red too with little white fleur-de-lis dotted in a pattern all over the carpet.

Uncle Sirius ran his hand through his unruly hair to make it even messier and Harry followed suit. It was fun and Uncle Sirius always grinned at him when he did.

They reached a large ornate door with a golden heart shaped doorknob. Sirius turned to the boy and winked.

'Are you ready to get some answers Harry?' Sirius grinned with his hand on the knob.

Harry smiled and nodded. 'You bet Uncle Sirius.'

'Okay then,' Sirius opened the door and stepped into the large room with a massive grin. 'Welcome Harry, to The Witch's Cat House!'

Harry's eyes roved over the room. It had the same wallpaper and carpet as the hallway and had an ornate sunroof in the ceiling. It was a beautiful room, Harry thought it might have once been a ballroom. He wasn't sure how it was a cat house though. He didn't see any litter trays or cats around.

Men of varying ages sat around on plush and really comfy looking sofas with beautiful women, most of which were hardly dressed if at all.

Harry felt his cheeks redden a little when he caught the eyes of an incredibly pale woman in black stockings and underwear. Her lips were painted red and Harry saw pointed teeth when she laughed at a joke a jumpy young man made. She tilted her head at Harry but soon ignored him in favour of running a hand over her companion's robed thigh.

Harry looked away as a completely naked woman with pointed ears led a fat man up the stairs to a room. What in Merlin's name was this place? Where were his experts?

'Hey Uncle Sirius?' Harry said to the man who was staring around the ornate room like a wolf sizing up its next meal. 'I thought I was getting answers? Are these more of your friends?'

Sirius looked away from the room long enough to glance at the boy. 'I'm looking Harry, hold on. Just enjoy the view for a little while. Hey Sara!'

Harry sighed as Sirius darted after a blue haired woman who was in a tiny maid outfit. He didn't need to see more naked women. Sirius' girl friends were always naked, he'd just wait for the next one to come along if he wanted to see them. It wasn't like he'd have to wait long. Sirius had friends over every week.

A curvy woman with a kind face and bright purple eyes started to walk towards him as she covered herself in a cardigan. She leant down so she was eye level with Harry and he did his best not to stare down her top. He wasn't particularly sure why but women seemed to get annoyed with boys who did that and Harry didn't want this woman to be angry. She was really pretty.

'Heya sweetie,' the woman's voice was light and made Harry perk up immediately. 'What's a cutie like you doing in a place like this?'

She lifted his chin up and smiled at him. Warmth spread even more in Harry's chest.

'I'm here with …'

Come on Harry!' Sirius leant over a polished banner with a massive grin on his face. 'I've found your expert!'

The woman who'd been walking close looked from Harry to Sirius and back again. She opened her mouth when another woman came up behind her and wrapped her arms around her stomach.

'Yenna, why'd you walk away?' The new woman, a young looking blonde, kissed Yenna's neck and fiddled with the zip of her cardigan. 'Leave the leprechaun and let's have a little fun.'

Harry wanted to tell the new, less pretty woman, that he wasn't a bloody leprechaun but he didn't see much point and besides he'd said bloody in front of his dad once and he'd been grounded for a week. He instead bolted after Sirius who had already started up the stairs once he saw Harry running.

Harry glanced over his shoulder in time to watch Yenna's friend take off her cardigan and kiss her on the lips. Weird.

Sirius was waiting at the top of the stairs for Harry and nodded towards a closed door that had a giant D embossed on the white wood.

Sirius knocked and in a deep voice Harry knew he only used for his girl friends he talked to the door. 'Come on Dana, I've got a visitor for you.'

'Sirius?' A girlish squeal came from the other side of the door making Harry step away a little when the door was ripped open and a completely naked woman leapt at Sirius. 'Oh Sirius! I missed you! Where've you - oh never mind. Come on, we've got time to make up for.'

Uncle Sirius grabbed Harry's arm just as Dana dragged the man in. The door slammed shut and a loud locking noise echoed around the room.

The room was decorated in purples and dark blues. Her flowing hair matched the room, even the strips between her legs.

The only thing in the room was a large circular bed sat in the middle of the room. Dana was on the bed, her arms spread out behind her, her boobies rising up and down as she stared at Uncle Sirius, her legs close but not completely together.

Uncle Sirius stood there grinning at her and looked over at Harry in an over the top way.

Dana frowned and looked over at Harry. She stared at him and her eyes went up to his forehead to the scar just like everyone else. If her boobies weren't as fun to look at Harry would be annoyed but they were so he didn't mind.

'Sirius, is this?' Dana whispered as she leant forward on the bed so she was perched on the end.

'Yeah.' Sirius walked behind Harry and smiled. 'Harry, this is my friend Dana.'

Harry smiled and held out his hand like his dad had taught when meeting new people. 'Nice to meet you miss, I'm Harry Potter.'

Dana giggled and her boobies bounced. It was funny but before Harry could laugh Dana had pulled him forward into a bear hug that forced his face right onto her chest.

'Oh he's so cute!' She cooed as she held him tightly. She pulled him up onto the bed and continued to cuddle the boy in her lap. 'Such a polite young man, I bet you've got tons of girlfriends huh Harry? Won't they be jealous with you coming to visit little old me?'

'No.' Harry blushed and shook his head. 'You're not old.'

Dana cooed more and cuddled him tighter. 'Well you will one day,' Dana said with a knowing smile. 'You're gonna be a right lady killer just like your Uncle Sirius I bet.'

'I don't wanna kill ladies though …' Harry was horrified.

Dana just laughed and cuddled him again. 'Oh Harry you really are cute, that's not what that means.'

Harry blushed deeper and leant against Dana without saying anything. Her boobies were soft to rest his head against and he decided it'd be nice to sleep on them.

'Okay Dana, as much fun as I'm sure you're having I have brought the kid here for a reason.' Sirius perched on the bed next to Harry and smirked. 'You've got a question right Harry?'

Harry frowned and lifted his head from Dana's chest and nodded.

Dana smiled and looked like she wanted to hug him again. She didn't and Harry felt a stab of regret.

'Oh? What's this big important question that made your Uncle Sirius bring you here?'

He wasn't sure why but Harry suddenly didn't really care about his question anymore, he wasn't even sure if Dana would tell him anyway. Besides, he really liked her cuddles they were better than even Dad's!

'Come on Harry, you can ask me anything.' Dana lifted up his chin when Harry dipped down and he mumbled. 'Besides girls like it when you talk confidently.' Dana stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead.

Harry blushed scarlet. Well if she was sure …

'Uncle Sirius brought me here because I wanted to know where babies came from.' Harry blurted out.

Dana arched back a little and looked over at Sirius who was grinning like a madman.

Dana frowned and Harry had never seen something that looked so wrong in his life. Not even when Alastor smiled and that was creepy as hell, his friends agreed.

'Okay Harry,' Dana said and after giving Sirius a hard look, that Harry knew meant trouble but didn't seem to bother Sirius one bit, she smiled at him and the knot in his stomach untangled. 'I'll tell you but why did your uncle bring you to ask me? Surely a Healer would've been better?' The last question was directed at Sirius, Harry knew, but she kept smiling at him and that was all that really mattered if you asked him.

'Uncle Sirius said he was gonna take me to an expert,' Harry said simply.

Dana frowned at Sirius. 'An expert? Sirius how on Earth is anyone in this building an expert on …' She looked at Harry and paused. '_That_?'

'Oh I don't know love,' Sirius smirked. 'You and me have played Healer and Nurse often enough.'

Harry smiled at Dana. 'You guys play that too? Me and Daphne play Healers and Nurses and all the time.'

Sirius burst out laughing and winked at Harry. 'And you told Dana you didn't have any girlfriends.'

Harry frowned and when he realised what Sirius had said he blushed. 'Daphne's not my girlfriend …'

Dana, who had blushed prettily, coughed into her hand as she fought back giggles. 'I think we might play it differently Harry but let's not talk about that.' She sighed and shot Sirius another hard look. 'I still don't get how I'm an expert but you are really cute and I don't wanna disappoint you by not answering your questions.' Dana cradled his head and stroked his hair. It was relaxing.

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome sweetie. Now where to begin … yes, of course.' Dana nodded to herself and looked down at Harry. 'Babies are made when a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much. Eventually they decide they want to be happier so they hug in a special way, normally on a bed …'

'Like the way Sirius does with his friends?' Harry interrupted.

Dana paused and glared at Sirius. 'You've seen Uncle Sirius hugging his friends on a bed Harry?'

Sirius went pale and inched away from Dana who looked at the man much like Harry's dad did when he found out Harry had seen Sirius and his friends.

'Yeah, Uncle Sirius called it wrestling and told him I should try it with Daphne when we were older. He said it was fun. It looked fun. The lady's boobies bounced and she looked very happy.'

Dana had glared harder and harder at Sirius as Harry spoke. Sirius had edged the length of the bed and was now stood next to the wall trying to look calm.

'Sirius …' Dana ground out.

'Hey, the kid's inquisitive, he heard noises and came to make sure nothing was wrong. It's not my fault,' Sirius grouched and crossed his arms. 'It cost me the rest of a very good shag as well. Can't believe I forgot the locking and silencing charms.'

'I'll deal with you later,' Dana said and turned back to Harry. 'Okay Harry well, let's go with what your uncle told you. When a … Mummy and a Daddy want a baby they wrestle until the Mummy gets pregnant. Then nine months later the Mummy is taken to hospital and a Healer helps her to bring her new baby into the world. That's how babies are made. Okay?'

Harry nodded slowly but he still had questions. Dana seemed like she'd answer them if he asked and he did like talking to her.

'So if it's just a Mummy and a Daddy that wrestle for babies, why does no baby appear when Uncle Sirius wrestles with his friends?'

'Cus it's just for fun kid,' Sirius said with a lazy grin. 'Me and Dana wrestle regularly, just for the fun of it. No babies there.'

Dana blushed again and her mouth fell open as she stared at Sirius. 'Sirius!'

'What?' Sirius asked. 'It's true and I can't believe you glossed over the best bits. Harry come here, I'll fill in the blanks Dana missed out.'

Dana frowned sadly as Harry got down from her lap and stood next to Sirius.

The man leant down next to him and pointed at Dana. 'Now don't look so hurt Harry, Dana wasn't keeping things from you to be mean, just because she thinks you're too little to know about sex.'

Harry fought back the hurt he felt. Why had Dana kept things from him? She was nice right? Had he done something wrong?

'Sex?' Harry asked. 'What's that?'

Sirius ignored Dana's shout of protest. 'Sex is what I called wrestling. Sex is when a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina and thrusts in and out like a piston on a steam engine until semen comes out of the end of his penis and into the woman. You remember when we went to King's Cross when Dora went back to Hogwarts? Sex is like how the train worked, pistons creating steam to drive it along.'

Harry nodded excitedly. That actually made sense. 'Yeah, so if I put my willy into a girl's vagina over and over again we'd be having sex?' That sounded weird though, why would he want to do that?

Sirius grinned like a Cheshire Cat, like he knew what Harry's next question was gonna be. 'Yes Harry, though you might want to wait a few years before you try it. It's only for grown-ups … and teenagers.'

'Oh Merlin,' Dana said quietly as she stared at Harry in horror. 'I can't believe you said that to a little boy Sirius!'

'I'm not little.' Harry frowned and glared at Dana. He wasn't little.

'Sorry Harry, of course you're not.'

Sirius snaked an arm around Harry's shoulder and winked at him. 'I think you should ask Dana some questions now. I don't think she'll keep anything from you anymore, right Dana?'

Dana didn't seem capable to talk anymore but it wouldn't hurt to ask would it? 'Dana?'

Dana looked up at Harry and smiled at him as her flowing hair fell away from her face. 'You can ask me some questions Harry, seems like there's no point me keeping things from you now, I don't like making you frown and Sirius will tell you anyway.'

Harry smiled and walked back to her and gave her a hug. 'Thanks Dana.'

'You're welcome.' Dana wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on the top of his head.

'Ask the questions Harry. We're gonna need to leave soon.' Sirius moved to the door and rested his back against it.

'Okay. Dana, why do men and women have sex? Is it just for babies like you said or is it for fun like Uncle Sirius said? What does a vagina look like? Does sex have to be on a bed and why does Sirius have sex with so many women? Why do some of Uncle Sirius' friends put his willy in their mouths? And why does he sometimes suck on their boobies like a baby? I mean they seem to like it but I don't know why. Does he do that to you? Do you put his willy in your mouth?'

Dana reeled back as Harry fired all the questions he could think of at her and glared at Sirius with red hot fire in her eyes as his godfather laughed and laughed.

'Oh my, that's a lot of questions,' Dana said quietly as she blushed in front of him. 'Well okay, men and women have … sex … because it's fun, it feels very nice. It's for making babies too but most people do it just for fun. Women tend to put men's willies in their mouth because men really like it and sometimes women don't want to have willies in their vaginas. No it's not always on a bed, that's just the usual. Uncle Sirius has sex with so many women because he can't get one woman to keep him for long. That's why he comes to me. It's always better to have sex with just one woman at a time Harry, please remember that if nothing else. It is nice to have your boobies sucked on yes.' Dana went bright red at this and covered her chest with one arm. 'It makes the nipples feel good. You know what nipples are right Harry?'

Harry nodded and Dana sighed in relief.

'Thank Merlin. Okay, so is that all of your questions sweetie?'

Harry shook his head. 'No, why does Sirius come to you if he's sleeping with other women? Surely he should only sleep with just you or just them, not both? If that's best I mean. Are you his girlfriend?'

Sirius had stopped laughing now and was looking more uncomfortable. Something that seemed to please Dana if her wicked smirk was anything to go by.

'Sirius comes to me because I'm very good at sex Harry and sometimes Uncle Sirius can't find any friends who'll have sex with him. I'm not his girlfriend though, we're just friends.'

'Why?' Harry asked. He liked Dana. He didn't like most of the other women Sirius had as friends, they never stopped to talk to him at all.

'That is a very long conversation Harry that I think your Uncle Sirius will have to answer. Is that everything sweetie?' Dana stroked his hair and forced a smile.

Harry spotted Dana hadn't told him what a vagina looked like but with the way her smile looked he didn't want to push it and make her unhappy. He'd find out some time anyway. Maybe he should ask Daphne? Tracey maybe? He'd think about it later.

'Yes Dana that's all, sorry if I upset you.'

Dana smiled nicely again and wrapped him in a big hug again which was lovely. 'Aw bless you Harry, no you didn't upset me and I hope you'll come see me again yeah? Not here though. We'll go somewhere a bit more fun for you next time okay?'

Harry nodded. He'd like that. Hopefully if he made a big enough show about it Sirius would make her his girlfriend and he'd get to see her even more.

Dana squeezed him tightly and led him to the door. She smiled at him again and opened the door for them. She leant against Sirius and muttered into his ear just low enough that Harry suspected he wasn't supposed to hear her.

'If you ever bring him here again Sirius Black I swear I will never so much as touch your fucking dick again. You also best invite me along next time he wants to go on a daytrip with your twisted fucking self. Are we understood?'

Sirius gulped and nodded.

Dana looked satisfied and spoke in her normal voice again as she leant down to Harry's eye level. 'Remember to ask your Uncle Sirius to invite me along to the next daytrip he wants to take you on okay Harry? I wanna see you again and I hope you wanna see me again. I'll get jealous of your friend Daphne if I don't get to see you anymore.'

Dana winked at him and Harry blushed before moving forwards and hugging her. She nearly stumbled over backwards but righted herself and hugged him back.

'I'll see you soon Harry,' Dana whispered in his ear. Her breath tickled and made Harry smile. 'It was lovely meeting you, remember to pester your Uncle Sirius into daytrips and don't listen to anything he tells you about girls.'

'Okay, bye Dana.'

Dana released him and Harry walked out of the room with a little wave back at Dana.

* * *

James was relieved when he heard the front door go and raced out of his study just in time to see Sirius help Harry get his coat off.

'Harry, Sirius, I'd started to wonder where you were.' James made a beeline for Harry and enveloped him in a hug. Merlin, if he was this relieved to see him again when Harry had only been gone a couple hours Hogwarts was going to be hell. 'Where did you guys go in the end?'

Sirius didn't say anything he just headed for the kitchen with a muttered greeting.

James was tempted to go after him but Harry grinned at him and James decided not to bother.

'Hey Dad, Uncle Sirius took me to see his friend Dana. It was great fun and she was really nice, can she come over for dinner if Sirius invites her?'

'Of course Harry, if you liked Dana …' Dana? They didn't know any Healer called Dana … Oh fuck no! 'Harry, where did Uncle Sirius take you today?'

'Ummm I think he called it …' Harry tapped his chin and looked at the ceiling with his head tilted. 'The Witch's Cat House?'

'You're sure Harry?' James rose slowly and turned towards the kitchen.

'Yup. That was definitely it. It was weird though, I didn't see any cats.'

James went still and he swore he heard the catch on the kitchen window snap open. 'Okay Harry, though now you're here I think you should go up to see Uncle Remus, he told me he has something for you from his trip to Diagon Alley today.'

'Really? Cool, I'll go see him now.' Harry beamed. 'Uncle Remus!'

James waited for Harry to disappear up the stairs before he turned and legged it towards the kitchen and bellowed as he kicked open the door. 'DOG BREATH!''

* * *

**A/N **Well there you go. Little side story for the What A Difference A Father Makes series. Hope you enjoyed and drop me a review.

All the best,

TUI


End file.
